IC contact post;

[caincarnate]

COMP phone/e-mail "If this is an IT matter, send me a detailed email and your request will be added to the queue. Otherwise, be brief. Don't waste my time unless this is important." office hours between 10:00 to 17:00

Comments

[text]

[testgasm]

yes hello this is wheatley remember me we went on that date

i mean it wasn't a date but you know what i'm talking about

i have a question

Re: [text]

[caincarnate]

It wasn't a date?

Wheatley, I'm hurt.

[testgasm]

don't be silly of course it wasn't a date i'm a robot

i do want to ask about something we discussed though

[caincarnate]

Now, now, be open-minded. This is the twenty-first century, hahaha.

But do go on. What do you need?

[testgasm]

just hypothetically if i decided to accept your offer

would that still be available

for me

[caincarnate]

For you? Always.

Actually, you have good timing. I've been working on reconfiguring the algorithm for the Laplace Server, and I'm almost finished this stage of updates. My doors are open if you want to know more.

[testgasm]

right

just the computer lab then

[caincarnate]

No. Come to TD-13.

When it comes to my personal projects, I keep the whole set up in my room - it offers a bit more privacy, wouldn't you say?

[testgasm]

right okay

[AND SOME TIME LATER

THERE IS A KNOCK]

[caincarnate]

[From inside came Naoya's voice:]

Come in.

[testgasm]

[here he is

miss america

bumbling in on his gangly metal legs, looking terribly nervous.]

Uh...hullo.

[Tiny wave!]

[caincarnate]

Please, take a seat.

[Naoya gestured at the opposite end of the kotatsu he was sitting at, where a cushion had been placed for guests.

The actual room itself was a mess - there were computers everywhere on the floor, joined together by a tangled, arcane web of cables. It was almost a bit like a glimpse into his mind: an inscrutable mess.]

Tell me, have you ever heard of Pierre-Simon Laplace?

[testgasm]

[AND SO, Wheatley shuffles over to the strange square blanket-table thing, sitting down with no small amount of effort and clanking. What a strange square blanket-table thing.]

Uh, yeah, of course.

[No he hasn't.]

But, I mean, since I've pretty much heard of everything and everyone, you might need to refresh my memory one what he--on what he does, exactly.

[caincarnate]

[So, in other words, Wheatley had no idea who Laplace was. Naoya chuckled to himself - but continued to humour him.]

He is responsible for the first published concept of determinism. In theory, if there was an intellect powerful enough - one that understood every force that set events to motion, and was able to analyze them - it would be able to calculate the future as well. It would be ultimate knowledge, and for this being, "nothing would be uncertain."

I've taken this theory into my own hands and created an algorithm that can compute the future down to the half hour. However, with some more refinement and data-gathering, I could very well narrow it down to the minute.

That's where you come in.

[testgasm]

[Nope, no idea. None at all.

Wheatley nods along, not really understanding anything until he hears ultimate knowledge.]

Right, so, uh. What do I--what do I have to do. For the ultimate knowledge.

[He quite likes the idea of ultimate knowledge.]

why did I app this man when I have no idea how computers work

[caincarnate]

Let me install a background process in your hardware. It'll run without interfering with your normal programming, while feeding you relevant data that the server is calculating.

[testgasm]

Oh.

[This appears to give him pause!]

You won't, ah. You won't need to look at my programming, will you?

[caincarnate]

Of course not. That's not a necessary part of the procedure. Your privacy and free will are paramount to me - without it, this all means nothing.

[Something about Naoya's smile was distinctly not reassuring - even when he was being honest. After all, what Wheatley was programmed to be wasn't what interested him. It was what he would be driven to do once he had the knowledge and power he sought.]

[testgasm]

Okay, if--

[He drops his voice and manages to look almost sheepish.]

If you promise.

that managed to be adorable....... how

[caincarnate]

I give you my word.

[You can trust this face.]

i don't know

[testgasm]

[A PAUSE

for consideration

and then--]

Let's get it over with, then. I've got--there's a port behind me, here, you might have to--I'll probably need to unplug from this body for you to get at it.

[Because he only has one plug.]

[caincarnate]

[Naoya stood up and walked over to Wheatley's side of the table. He looked over the port that joined the robot's head to the rest of his body - removing it seemed like a fairly simple maneuver. Out of courtesy, he muttered:] Excuse me.

[And then placed his hands on Wheatley's core body. It disengaged without trouble, and Naoya found himself with a disembodied head. He turned it over in his hands, studying the shape of this port.]

[testgasm]

[Wheatley, being a robot and therefore accustomed to humans poking and prodding him, complied, squeezing his shutters closed and Naoya detached him.]

Yeah, that's, ah--that's the only port I've got, so, uh. Hopefully you have some sort of--sort of cable. That's. Compatible.

[caincarnate]

[Naoya closed his eyes, searching through his memory for the cables they had in stock.]

Yes, yes. There's quite a few Aperture compatible cables left over.

This might take some time. I suggest you shut down for the duration.

[testgasm]

[WELL that's good, at least. At the mention of shutting down, however, Wheatley resumes looking incredibly nervous.]

Right, okay, I can--I can do that, but you do--you did promise me that you won't go poking around in my programming while I'm out, right? And you will--you will turn me back on. When. You're done.